Are These Your Values, or Ones You Inherited?
Cultural values are the shared rules, priorities, and reinforcers of the groups we belong to - family, your profession, social media ecosystems, communities and friend circles.
Cultural values are powerful because they are reinforced consistently. Think about what gets rewarded:
promotions and productivity
engagements, weddings, and babies
hustle culture
“having it together”
Societal values operate through more subtle reinforcement:
praise
likes and comments
belonging; avoidance of judgement
While none of these are inherently wrong, ask yourself this question. “Are they aligned with what genuinely matters to you?”
Personal values are those chosen, not assigned.
Personal values are directional, providing qualities to actions that help define the life you want to express. They sound like:
curiosity
playful
integrity
compassion
autonomy
adventure
presence
community
Personal values are not outcomes. Being married isn’t a value, being thin isn’t a value and making six figures is not a value.
Values are how you want to show up, not what you want to collect. Think:
love
health
growth
security
might be values.
Conflict between personal and cultural values can often show up as:
success without satisfaction (you hit the milestones, but feel flat, because the milestone is culturally reinforced, not internally chosen).
chronic guilt (you want less hustle, a nontraditional path, to opt out, to prioritize mental health, but internalized “shoulds” create guilt).
decision paralysis (external reinforcement competes with internal alignment, resulting in avoidance).
Society reinforces visibility, productivity, and conformity. Your personal values may reinforce rest, autonomy and unconventional living. When reinforcement systems compete, behaviours gets pulled in both directions.
Instead of asking, “What should I want?” Try asking yourself:
“When do I feel most like myself?”
“What qualities do I admire in others, beyond aesthetics or achievement?”
“If no one could see my life, what would I still choose?”
“What would I want my future self to thank me for?”
Notice a shift. Values aren’t about image, but direction.
Living aligned with your personal values may mean:
earning less - but feeling freer
saying no - and disappointing someone
redefining success
leaving environments
disappointing your past self
You don’t have to reject cultural values, just choose consciously. You can want partnership and autonomy, or want career growth and a nervous system that is regulated. You can want financial stability and creative expression. But when tension arises, the questions becomes - “which direction do I want my life to move toward?” Not what will get an applause, or avoids criticism, but what feels aligned with who you are.
The next time you feel overwhelmed, ask “am I exhausted from living my values or from performing someone else’s?” The answer will tell you a lot.