Are These Your Values, or Someone Else’s “Shoulds”?
A value can guide you. A “should” can make you perform. These questions help separate a chosen direction from the expectations around you.
Values exercises can seem simple; scan a list of words and circle what matters. The difficult part comes later. Is the word you chose genuinely meaningful to you, or does it describe the person you learned you were supposed to be?
A “should” often depends on performance or approval.
A should-driven direction may sound like “I must always be productive,” “I have to keep everyone happy,” or “I should want the path that looks successful.” The behaviour may earn approval or reduce guilt in the short term, yet feel disconnected from the life you want to build or what’s important to you.
A chosen value usually has a different quality to it, and while it can still ask something difficult of you, the effort feels connected to a way of being that truly matters. You may value contribution and decide to work hard. You may also value care and decide to rest before resentment takes over. Values help you respond to context.
Look for the difference between pressure and willingness.
Try saying the direction or behaviour in two ways.
“I have to do this, or it means something bad about me.”
“This may be uncomfortable, and I am willing to do it because it expresses something I care about.”
The second statement does not make the action easier, but it changes the relationship between the action and your reasons for choosing to do it.
Use behaviour as evidence.
Values are not simply labels you possess. They show up in patterns of action. If you choose “curiosity”, ask yourself what curiosity would look like for you, such as in a tense conversation. If you choose “care”, ask how care would show up when you’re running low on energy. If you choose “integrity”, ask what you would do when no one is watching.
This behavioural lens keeps values from becoming flattering descriptions. It also prevents a missed action from becoming an identity crisis. You are not proving that you are a caring person forever, you are choosing the next caring action available for the current context.
A useful values test. Would this direction still matter if no one praised me, if I could not do it perfectly, and if it looked different from what other people expected?
Notice where values collide.
Many hard decisions are not a fight between a value and a bad choice. They are a tension between two things that matter. For example, security and growth, honesty and kindness, belonging and autonomy, contribution and rest.
When values collide, asking “which one is the right value?” may not be helpful. Instead try asking, “What does this situation need from me right now?” and “What potential cost am I willing to carry for the direction I choose?” A chosen action can honour one value while still acknowledging others.
Try the “mine, inherited or still deciding” exercise.
Write 5 rules you hear in your mind when you face an important decision. Begin each with “I should…”
For each rule, note where you may have learned it. Keep the tone curious rather than blaming.
Mark each rule as mine, inherited but chosen, inherited and no longer workable, or still deciding.
Rewrite any chosen rules into positive values. For example, changing “I should never disappoint anyone” to “I want to be honest and caring in difficult conversations.”
Choose one behaviour that would express the revised value this week.
You don’t have to reject your entire history to make a choice, you can appreciate where a rule came from and still decide whether it belongs in your life right now.
Chosen values make room for a more flexible life.
The aim is not to discover a secret, permanent list that removes every decision. Values clarification helps you become more deliberate; less governed by automatic pressure, better able to choose a values direction and adjust your behaviour as circumstances change.
When the value feels like yours and values-aligned actions fit your real life, values stop being an abstract exercise and becomes a way to make the next decision with greater honesty.
If you are ready to sort through the “shoulds” and identify directions you can genuinely practice, our Values Lab offers a guided 3 lesson course. You will connect an ABA (Applied Behaviour Analysis) and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Training) lens to create a Life Shift Plan.
Are These Your Values, or Ones You Inherited?
Cultural values are the shared rules, priorities, and reinforcers of the groups we belong to - family, your profession, social media ecosystems, communities and friend circles.
Cultural values are powerful because they are reinforced consistently. Think about what gets rewarded:
promotions and productivity
engagements, weddings, and babies
hustle culture
“having it together”
Societal values operate through more subtle reinforcement:
praise
likes and comments
belonging; avoidance of judgement
While none of these are inherently wrong, ask yourself this question. “Are they aligned with what genuinely matters to you?”
Personal values are those chosen, not assigned.
Personal values are directional, providing qualities to actions that help define the life you want to express. They sound like:
curiosity
playful
integrity
compassion
autonomy
adventure
presence
community
Personal values are not outcomes. Being married isn’t a value, being thin isn’t a value and making six figures is not a value.
Values are how you want to show up, not what you want to collect. Think:
love
health
growth
security
might be values.
Conflict between personal and cultural values can often show up as:
success without satisfaction (you hit the milestones, but feel flat, because the milestone is culturally reinforced, not internally chosen).
chronic guilt (you want less hustle, a nontraditional path, to opt out, to prioritize mental health, but internalized “shoulds” create guilt).
decision paralysis (external reinforcement competes with internal alignment, resulting in avoidance).
Society reinforces visibility, productivity, and conformity. Your personal values may reinforce rest, autonomy and unconventional living. When reinforcement systems compete, behaviours gets pulled in both directions.
Instead of asking, “What should I want?” Try asking yourself:
“When do I feel most like myself?”
“What qualities do I admire in others, beyond aesthetics or achievement?”
“If no one could see my life, what would I still choose?”
“What would I want my future self to thank me for?”
Notice a shift. Values aren’t about image, but direction.
Living aligned with your personal values may mean:
earning less - but feeling freer
saying no - and disappointing someone
redefining success
leaving environments
disappointing your past self
You don’t have to reject cultural values, just choose consciously. You can want partnership and autonomy, or want career growth and a nervous system that is regulated. You can want financial stability and creative expression. But when tension arises, the question becomes - “which direction do I want my life to move toward?” Not what will get an applause, or avoids criticism, but what feels aligned with who you are.
The next time you feel overwhelmed, ask “am I exhausted from living my values or from performing someone else’s?” The answer will tell you a lot.