Happiness Isn’t Where You’re Going, It’s Where You Are
We’re often taught to treat happiness like a reward. Something you earn after you hit a goal, fix a problem, or become a better version of yourself. It lives just slightly ahead of you - “I’ll feel better when…”. But there’s a slight problem with that model.
Two versions of happiness.
Contingent happiness or “I’ll be happy when…” This version depends on outcomes, behaviours, and external circumstances. It is future-focused, conditional and often motivating. But rarely feels satisfying for long.
Present moment happiness or mindfulness-based. This version is about being aware of what’s happening right now, making space for both pleasant and unpleasant experiences, and not postponing your life until conditions are ‘perfect’. It’s accessible immediately, but often overlooked because it feels too simple.
Why we get stuck chasing happiness.
Your brain is built to solve problems, not sit in contentment. As a result, you constantly scan for what’s missing, what needs fixing, or what could be wrong. This creates a loop:
notice discomfort
set a goal to fix it
believe happiness comes after the fix
delay feeling okay until you meet the goal
What happens when you achieve the goal? The mind quickly moves onto the next one, “okay, but now what about this?”. Happiness ends up getting pushed into the future.
The hidden cost of conditional happiness.
There’s nothing wrong with goals, growth, or wanting things to improve, however if your ability to feel okay is dependent on them there may be an issue. Over time, you might experience chronic dissatisfaction, difficulty being present, constant sense of urgency or pressure, or miss meaningful moments because you’re mentally elsewhere.
What mindfulness actually offers.
Mindfulness isn’t about forcing yourself to be happy. It’s about not needing the moment to be different in order to show up in it. This could include enjoying what’s good while it’s here, allowing discomfort without immediately trying to escape it, or noticing thoughts like “this isn’t enough” without buying into them. Mindfulness shifts the question from “how do I get to happiness?” to “what’s already here, if I pay attention?”
This isn’t about settling.
You might be thinking “if I stop chasing happiness, won’t I lose motivation?” You can still set goals, work toward change, and improve your life, but you’re no longer saying “my life starts when I get there.”
Integration.
This is about changing your relationship to your goals and ambition. Instead of choosing happiness after action, you can notice small moments, experience connection to the world and feel grounded in the present, while you work toward valued goals with feelings of discomfort and uncertainty.
A simple shift to practice.
Next time you catch yourself thinking “I’ll feel better when…” pause and ask yourself “what can I appreciate here right now?”, “What am I missing right now, because I’m focused on what’s next?”
Perhaps you take a moment of calm, have a conversation with a loved one, look at the progress made so far, or even just slowing down your breath. Happiness doesn’t always have to arrive loudly, sometimes it’s just the acceptance of what already is.
Final thought.
Chasing happiness in the future is fine, but if it’s the only place you allow yourself to feel it, you’ll spend most of your time waiting. The conditions for happiness don’t always show up when your goals are met, they show up when you’re present enough to notice.
Leadership Skills of the Future
Great leadership requires knowing what actions are required for the present context.
With Acceptance and Commitment Training (ACT) leaders can start to…
interrupt automatic stress responses or unhelpful coping strategies
pay attention to what the current context or environment is asking for
choose actions that are aligned with their leadership values and goals
Present moment awareness and cognitive defusion are two components of ACT that can help anyone experiencing experiential avoidance or have difficulty responding effectively during moments of crisis, build crisis resilience.
Crisis resilience is one’s ability to respond effectively during moments of crisis, even when experiencing discomfort. Like psychological flexibility, where one responds in line with their values even when it may be easier, and/or more reinforcing to not.
The goal is not to eliminate internal states of frustrations, self-doubt, or fear of failure, but to help ensure that these internal states don’t drive behaviour.
So, instead of reacting to unimportant information or historic self-imposed rules such as “I must always have the answer”, leaders gain the ability to respond more effectively to the situation in front of them.
Present moment awareness helps to keep us in the here and now, instead of living in our heads, thinking about the past or future. Remaining present helps to attune to the specific environments and contexts to better respond to expectations, instead of responding to thoughts of the past or future, and current physiological internal states that lead to avoidance.
Second, consider that uncomfortable thoughts and feelings are normal human experiences, and automatic thoughts often come up, such as “I can’t fix this”, “this is impossible”, which usually aren’t helpful. When a leader is fused to their thought “this problem is unsolvable”, they are more likely to stop trying and withdraw.
However a leader who practices defusion recognizes a thought as simply a thought, “I’m having the thought that this is unsolvable”. This helps to create space to act more in alignment with values and the current context, rather than acting from an emotional place. A leader who practices cognitive defusion will continue to engage in problem-solving because persistence aligns with their leadership values.
Lemon Exercises
Practice present moment awareness and cognitive defusion to build leadership flexibility.
Present Moment Awareness Exercise:
Imagine cutting open a bright yellow lemon. Then imagine biting into a piece of it. Notice the physical sensations, thoughts, and emotions that you are experiencing. For example, salivation, muscle clenching, thinking “so sour!”. Notice how thoughts (like thinking about a lemon) can create real physical reaction, but they are not commands you need to do anything with.
Cognitive Defusion Exercise:
Try repeating the word ‘lemon’ for 30 seconds. Notice how the meaning of the word fades, and it becomes just a series of sounds. Notice how the words and thoughts (repeating ‘lemon’) lose their emotional impact when we are able to step away from them.
The Bottom Line
By cultivating psychological flexibility, leaders become better equipped to guide their teams through uncertainty, maintain performance under stress and model values-driven behaviours. ACT doesn’t eliminate the stress, it teaches leaders how to lead effectively through it.